Mar 16
The Securinator
I don’t know his name, where he’s from, where he lives or what his favorite color is! What I do know is I call him “The Securinator”. He is the head security guard at the establishment I call work and he is a complete douche bag. I’ve seen this guy in some awkward moments. Moments where most people would need to go through some counseling. Let me tell me a few of these awkward encounters.
Most of these memorable moments happen when he is in the bathroom. I went to use the urinal and there’s “The Securinator” with his false teeth spread out on the sink as he gurgled water and mouthwash. I had to take a double look to make sure I saw what I thought I was seeing. Who does that shit? It’s fucking gross…No one wants to see your false teeth out in the open for everyone to admire. He acted like a complete professional about it to not even saying like “Oh sorry for having my teeth on the counter” or making some lame joke like “I’m getting ready for the tooth fairy”. Thanks Securinator!
Whenever someone is in the bathroom dropping bombs in the toilet, 90% of the time it’s The Securinator doing it. He’ll even grunt “Uhhhhh”. In the middle of dropping bombs one time my buddy walked in the bathroom, 2 seconds later The Securinator’s cellphone rings. He was arguing with his girlfriend about something why he dropped bombs! This guy is multi-talented! Drops bombs, grunt and talks on the phone all at once. Who does that shit?
What tops this guy off is his main job is to walk around the parking lot and look for cars that are illegally parked or on the line. He’ll actually write up warnings and tickets to a car that is like barely on the line. This is the type of guy who acts all hard at work and takes his job way too seriously because he was probably the guy everyone picked on in school. Now he feels like he can be a hard ass because he is a security guard.
He loves staring people down. He’s always staring at my friend Bill & I as we walk through the doors. He sees us every day and still acts like we are fucking terrorists! If The Securinator is ahead of you and uses his badge to get into the door and you’re right behind him he won’t hold the door for you, he literally lets it slam shut. Who does that shit? I should’ve called this post “The Securinator - Who Does That Shit?”.
Do you or have you had a security guard where you work, live or shop that was a dickhead?
gso
28 Comments so far
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No but I do like to shop.
dirty: buy me a sumo lounge chair then!
You wish!
Aren’t the awesome?!?!
You can come sit on mine.
dirty: theres no way i am ever going back to ohio unless the predicates get big!
I get free concert tickets if you do!
When I worked at TJX there was an incident where a guys was let in by “piggybacking” (holding the door open) and lots of people got robbed. So maybe he is trying to just go by the rules and trying to secure the place - considering he is a security guard. You love me looking at all sides of the picture!!!
erica: dude go fuck yourself haha
You better make sure you don’t get fired for talking about work… You know how that ends up… Oh - and I like your blouse.
erica: dude why dont you go get yelled at by your owner for not knowing how to fax!
done done done
game.set.match
O’Connell
game.set.match? Is that some dorky gaming thing? Why don’t you go process some orders and get yelled at for the print out not having information on it. DONE!!!
Securinator!!! F that guy. Our IS guy got into an argument with him. He drove over from the other building down the street and parked in visitor. Securinator tried to tell him he cant park there, he’s not a visitor. Fuck that!! He was visiting. My guy told him so and told him to shut up. This guy is always droppin deuces in the bathroom. He’s a fucking scrubb…. dont get me started on him.
Happy st. Patty’s day!!
This guy is a douche. One time a VP parked in visitor and sec. told him he was going to report him to his supervisor and who was his sup. So the VP gave the guy his name as sup. and told him his name was John Doe. This fucking moron called the VP and told him John Doe parked in visitor. The VP said oh, okay he would talk to him about it.
Who doesn’t fucking know what John Doe means? This guy is the biggest joke I’ve ever heard of….
Gregg??
Captain: the securinatir should’ve been in the pool!
lol john doe seriously?!?!? thats fucking priceless!
If this guy keeps putting his falsies on the counter in a PUBLIC restroom, he’ll get what’s coming to him in the form of a communicable disease.
Pssssst…..It’s fuckin Whitey….. $ 1,000,000 bounty I think.
wormbrain: should i take his teeth to teach him a lesson?
Ed: $1 million would be such a nice payday..mmm i love candy bars
Remember when he tried to speak spanish to the mexican cleaning lady? That was priceless!
captain: haha that was pretty funny
Remember when that guy brought the puppy to show his friends in the parking lot & security guy bob went into Homeland security mode? Hilarious.
He’s on his bluetooth all day long, & his clipboard is covered in doodles. He does look like Whitey. gregg, I’ll split the million with you. We may need to go into witness protection tho, what would you change your name to? Would you have to change the pup’s names too?
you miss me: ha ha ya i remember you telling me about him going into “Securinator” mode….
dude that’d be sweet splitting a million with a fellow noreaster!
i’d change herbie’s name to Mr. Bubbas
yoshi’s name would change to Hector since he is from mexico kinda…
and my name would change to Clyde Capital
I have a guy at my office in a similar job, but he’s also a custodian. He empties my trash at 9:30 AM– what’s the point, there’s nothing in it yet!
Xtina: ha ha thats classic! maybe he has a crush on you?
Maybe… I am pretty cute.
Xtina: God made us all beautiful
That guy was UNBELIEVABLE! I felt molested everytime I walked by him. It was like Thanksgiving at my Uncle’s house all over again.
Brain: It’s nice to know you made it thru that terror alive and without much emotional damage
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