Have you ever noticed that whenever you are walking around and you smell a strong scent of perfume it’s always a plus sized women? I’m not talking about the kind of perfume where you are like “Mmmm yum that smells pleasant!” I’m talking about the kind of perfume that not only engulfs your nose but goes down you’re fucking throat! It begins choking you to death with its Nuclear strong eroma.

I can’t figure out a reason why plus sized women wear such strong smelling perfume but for goodness sakes, please stop! I get headaches, my throat hurts and my nose burns from it. OK, so it doesn’t smell like sweaty armpits or fungi feet, but I’m almost prefer those local scents. If you’re looking for a way to piss me off, douse yourself with extreme perfume.

The question goes out to my plus sized women or maybe a man who has dated a plus sized woman: Why do you/they wear such intensely smelling perfume?

Men and non-heavy wearing perfume women lets unite and put an end to this societal problem with your help WE can make a difference!

gregg

I’ve been a fan of reality shows ever since The Real World on MTV. They started off so good and so real. The late 90’s with Survivor really brought reality shows to the masses. Then after that it seemed they had a reality show for everything. They even had a fake reality show called Joe Schmo where the main guy didn’t know it was fake! It was so fucking hilarious and over the top. It was like the movie “Truman Show” except this was actually really funny.

Now it seems reality shows have past their prime and are heading into very dangerous waters. Waters that have sharks, squid & electric eels. I hate to say this, but reality shows are becoming “overly staged”. They are so fixed now and I can’t understand why except for the fact that maybe just maybe when they try and do the real true thing that people won’t think its interesting. For instance have you seen “Rock of Love” on VH1? It’s basically the same show that Flavor Flav had a few years back where he dates a bunch of girls all at once and eliminates them one at a time until he is left with his one true love. Well “Rock of Love” stars the cheesy 80’s rocker Bret Michaels from the band Poison. They didn’t waste anytime in being fake on this “reality show”. The very first episode there was this girl that was banished from the show with about 5 other girls before they even got to step foot into the house. After a few hours of all the girls being in the house this one girl who got kicked out, arrived back at the house only to be confronted by Bret Michaels bodyguard. She’s crying, pleading & saying she’ll do anything, It was so rigged. Come on you’re telling me that they don’t have security pro trolling the grounds of the estate in order for no one to get onto the property. Not only was the girl allowed back in the house, but she was also the most crazy, over the top, drunk, slutty, annoying, entertaining girl out of all of them.

The most real reality television show on TV today is “The Real World” on MTV. They let the kids do whatever they want which always seems to be drinking, fighting & fucking, but hey thats what we like! I truly honestly can’t think of another reality show that doesn’t do something thats fixed or planned! I will of course continue to watch it. but for how long remains the answer especially when I can only take so much of college attending, Abercrombie & Fitch wearing, slutty whore on “The Real World”.

gso

There’s always the people at work that always have gum, candy or some other kind of snack at their desk. That’s when their desk becomes a designated rest stop for all other employees. The employees that stop at these peoples desks do nothing, but take take take! I am one of these rest stops at my job. I ALWAYS have gum at my desk and anyone who is anyone that I work with makes it a point to stop at my desk and take my precious gum. I go through about a pack a week. If you’re like me and frequent Target everyweek you’ll know that gum doesn’t come cheaply especially after the great gum base debacle in South America. It costs $1.99/3 pack. That’s expensive if you do the math times 52. It’s something like $35/year in gum. That’s like working 2 hours a year just to pay for gum.

What am I whining about gum for? Don’t I have anything better to write about? Fuck no I don’t have anything better to write about! Plus There’s this one guy at work that always takes my gum and never replaces it. I don’t want to say any names so lets just call him Bill Kutters (stupid made up redneck name right?). Well “Bill” makes it his Godly duty to stop by my desk at least 3 times a day to steal a piece of my precious gum. I’ve tried pressuring, bullying, flirting & blackmailing Bill into replacing what he steals. He venomously will not comply with my request. So one day while I was running low on reserves for gum I decided to play a trick on that tall, skinny, cheap motherfucker. I took all the gum out of the package and inserted two little sticky notes with a friendly little saying as you can see in the photo in this post. Next time he’ll know not to fuck with my gum without replacing.

gregg

Do you see the photo in this blog? Well I woke up this morning and took my dogs out so they could do #1 and #2. On our way back to the house I saw vandalism in it’s most cliche form with graffiti all over the front wall in front of my house. The jackass spray painteed his name and some other shit I couldn’t read. If I was the one doing the graffiti I think I would’ve spray painted some kind of poem, a favorite song lyric or maybe something like “You should never graffiti anything especially private property”. I’d play reverse psychology and shit because I’m fucking crazy like that!

Let’s analyze the vandalism/tag for a bit and try to figure out what the initials mean.
O.B.F. = Organic Banana Fan, Ole Bitch Face, Oily Baby Feces or Ostrich Bastard Fighter

1502 = I did a little research and it seems they are big fans of Christopher Columbus because this is the year he landed on Costa Rica. They sure are cultured Vandalistic Thugs who paid attention in history class.

F.C.C = Federal Communications Commission. I saw the F.C.C. thing and thought wow the freaking government is now tagging peoples property, but why? I finally came to the realization that they are looking to control me and my blog by tagging my property! Fuckin A they are crazy bitches!

The other two things written on the wall are illegible to me? Got any ideas?

The wall was cleaned up at about noon today leaving a fresh new canvas for the vandalists to come back and tag that mutherfuckin wall up again! Have fun assholes!

thx,
gregg

Dear Target & It’s Customers,

My favorite place to buy groceries is Target. I’ve said that probably like 47 times or so. I don’t know if I have this huge fan base in San Diego and everyone of my fans is going into Target and buying all of my favorite things to eat. This brings me to apple sauce because apple sauce is a necessity for me to take my vitamins in the morning with. I have trouble swallowing those big throat chokers so I use the apple sauce to let them easily slide down my throat. Now all you guys know I can’t swallow (wink wink..you know I had to throw a gay reference to myself somewhere in this blog).

Tell me please who the fuck is actually buying apple sauce these days? If someone is buying it then what are they buying it for? Pork Chops and apple sauce?!? Come on Peter Brady said that back in the 70’s! Are there millions upon millions of people who can’t swallow pills so they use apple sauce?! Especially the people in San Diego do they have this localized problem of swallowing things so they buy their apple sauce at Target.

I like the apple sauce that Target sells in these plastic jars because the apple sauce flows easier out of the jar compared to the glass jars. Also the apple sauce doesn’t get stuck as much on the rim of the jar compared to the glass jars. 1 out of 10 times that I go to buy apple sauce at Target the shit is sold out. If they have anything in stock its that crap thats in the glass jars. That just doesn’t cut it for me. I have sensitive lips & and a sensitive throat. I only buy apple sauce at most maybe once every 3 or 4 weeks. That gives Target plenty of time to stock up on the plastic jarred apple sauce. DO IT! STOCK IT UP! KEEP IT STOCKED! KEEP YOUR STICKY FINGERED KIDS AWAY FROM MY APPLE SAUCE, THEY’LL JUST THROW IT UP ANYWAY!!!

Why don’t you just buy it at the grocery store? FUCK YOU DUDE! HAVE YOU SEEN THE PRICES AT THE GROCERY STORE FOR APPLE SAUCE?!?!? It’s like $4/jar. Target it’s only like $2.29/jar. I barely ever go to the grocery store anyway. Target’s my grocery store. For whoever is buying my damn apple sauce at Target either buy the glass jarred kind or go to the grocery store and get it because you’re fucking with my patience and monotony.

Good Day Sir!

Gregg

What would I Do If My Mom Told Me I was Really 5 Years Older Than I Am? My friend Bill from work asked me this question and I found it to be very thought provoking and engaging. I think the first emotion that would come to me would be depression due to the fact that I’d be now dying 5 years earlier than expected. No one likes dying or do they? Do you know anyone that is looking forward to death that isn’t already in massive amounts of pain?

I’d then ask my mom “Why the fuck didn’t you tell me I’m really 32 years old?” I’d think back to when I thought anyway that I was 16 years old but was really 21 years old and making out with a 16 year old girl. That’s kind of sick isn’t it? I’d think about when I was 12 but really 17 and only then did I begin to go through puberty. I think I’d be emotionally scared. I’d go from a mighty cocky young 27 year old to an old 32 year old guy who hasn’t accomplished much of anything in life.

I definitely wouldn’t be happy at all. There’s nothing exciting about finding out that you are 5 years older than you thought you were. Maybe when you are a kid and you want to be older but once you pass the age of 21, you are in no rush of getting older. In fact you’re the opposite. You start to think about how cool it would be to be 18 years old again and not have to work 40 hours a week or listen to some corporate blah blah speech.

Please mom don’t break my heart one day and tell me I am really 5 years older than I think I am. If that does happen I may just have start taking more risks in life. A person that takes risks is a person who is destined for failure and no one likes a failure.

What would you do?

gso

What’s up with weekends lately? They seem to just fly right by without me being able to enjoy them. It’s like work is over on Friday, I go to sleep Friday night and wake up and it’s Monday morning?!?!? Am I the only one who feels like this besides Emily?!?!?

Has the government been fucking with not only daylight savings but also weekends?!?!? My biological clock is getting more fucked up than an Orson Welles movie with all these discrepancies in time! Weekends I need you to last a little longer. Give me the feeling that you’re really 3 days and not that feeling of 3 hours!?!?!

What happened to the days when you were in grade school and weekends seemed so long and special. Saturday morning cartoons, afternoon bouts with GI Joe and Chef Boyardee and evenings of Coke and microwave popcorn. Sometimes the weekends were so long I’d actually get kind’ve bored and want to go back to school to learn more…NOT!

I don’t know if you housewives know what I’m talking about by the weekends going by faster than a line of coke at a rich kids party, but they have been! Does life at home include weekends or is it always a 7 day work week? I feel for you…

I’m wondering if there is anyway to prolong the weekends? Yes, I could call in on Monday or Friday, but that kills a PTO day. If I could work four 10 hour days a week and have Monday or Friday off I totally would. Or if I could work from home that’d be doper than winning $5,000 in the state lottery!

I miss you weekends! Please come back!

Love,
Gregg

Don’t you hate when your favorite store in the whole world is bought by another company and that store is either completely changed or closed. Well boys and girls my favorite healthy grocery store Henry’s aka Wild Oats has been purchased by Whole Foods. Whole Foods is also a healthy grocery store except they charge double the price that Henry’s does for the same stuff. Where the fuck am I going to go to buy my Amy’s Texas BBQ Veggie Burgers or marinated chicken breasts for only $2.99/lb? I’m totally fucked! Yes, I know I could go to Trader Joe’s, but Trader Joe’s doesn’t have the same atmosphere that Henry’s does! Henry’s has that small time grocery store feel with low prices, fresh produce & all kinds of good looking young people! I don’t even think I can afford Whole Foods on a regular basis, I’ll have to go back to the sucky big time grocery stores like Von’s & Ralph’s. What am I going to do?! I should start my own healthy grocery store called “Gregg’s”.

Change sucks almost all the time. For instance, when Bill Clinton finished up his term as President, we got George W. Bush and look where that changed landed us. What about when Coke came out with “New Coke”? They lost a ton of money and went back to the original Coke Classic. I’ll even give you one more instance of when change sucked…How about when I changed the format of my blog? I couldn’t write anything that was funny or witty anymore! All in all change sucks, so everything should just stay the way it is including all of my favorite grocery store chains!

gso

gso

The only time I got a Jury Duty letter sent to me is when they thought I still lived at my moms house. I didn’t have to serve because I lived in a new county thus excusing me from Jury Duty. Last Week I received a letter in the mail saying that I was to do Jury Duty on Friday, March 16. I was reading the letter closely and it says and I quote “Jurors scheduled for Friday at the Hall of Justice will be on telephonic (ha ha I didn’t even know that was a word) standby for five days“. Those motherfuckers even had the audacity to bold “five days” on the letter. Motherfuckers are making me call in for 5 days straight to see if they need me to come in! That’s fucked up! First off I don’t even want to serve, second off I have sit on pins and needles waiting for them to tell me to come in or not.

Doesn’t serving Jury Duty seem so 1800’s and it also seems to go against Americans freedom. To me it’s like the draft for the military, no one wants to do it, but if you don’t you might go to jail. No, you hopefully won’t be dying either while attending Jury Duty unless you get hit my car on the way there.

Another thing that sucks about Jury Duty is it’s downtown. Going downtown means you either pay $20 for parking or you take lame ass public transportation. Don’t those mofo’s know that March 16 is 10 days after my birthday?!?!? I’ll probably still be celebrating my 27th birthday for all I know and they have to go and ruin the party by making me serve Jury Duty.

In conclusion. FUCK CIVIC DUTY! The last thing I want to do is sit in a courtroom all day waiting to sit on some jury that I don’t give two crappolas about!

Love,
Gregg

The last couple of posts on my blog have been pretty wimpy. Love this, diet that, anniversary here, sex there! I’m trying to figure out where my raw unadulterated fire and passion for getting pissed off about something has gone? I’m turning into a girly man with girly feelings. OK, so I’ve always kind of been a wimpy man, but I usually never have like 5 posts in a row of sappy love crap. I should make a vow to myself to never have more than 1 positive lovey dovey post in a row.

I went for a walk with Emily, Herbie & Yoshi and I was trying to think up some ideas of what’s gotten me pissed off or fired up about lately, but to no avail. I mean there’s stupid shit going on at work, but I don’t want to really get into that, nor does it consume my every thought so to me it’s kind of a mundane topic. It’s kind of weird the process I go through when trying to think up a topic to write about in my blog. I usually look through my flickr photos and see if anyone of my latest photos gives me any ideas on what to write about. Then I’ll skim my friends blogs to see if I can steal an idea off them. If that fails I ask Emily and if that fails, I usually write about how much of a pussy I’ve been lately and try to make fun of myself.

Do you ever got lost in your computer? Ever since I got my first computer and internet at the age of 15 I’ve been glued to it. For living beings Herbie is my truest love, but for electronic love I’d be lost without my computer. My girlfriend Isa in high school used to come over my house after school almost everyday. Well instead of talking to her and making out and stuff I’d sign on AOL and be online for hours. She used to get so sick and tired of watching me surf the internet that she’d end up leaving. Ha ha it’s funny because I’m still the same way now. The computer is the first thing I do when I wake up in the morning, when I get to work, when I get home from work & before I go to bed. Whoever created the computer and internet has changed my life, God Bless you!
My girlfriends have suffered such traumatic boredom from it, but I wouldn’t trade all that nagging for anything. I’ve received so much from my computer, I love you computer! Fuck!!! There goes the sappy shit again! AAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

gso