I just got an email from the man they call “Cram”. Well he asked a favor of me and I feel like helping him out a little especially since its for boobies and who doesn’t love big fake boobs?! Read his email below and please vote.

The website is www.btls.com The contest is The 12 Boobs of Christmas. basically you have to click on the 12 Boobs and then vote for Stephanie. The exact link for her is http://www.btls.com/12boobs/ranking.php?pid=128. Vote her a 10 and then vote the next person a 1. Press the back arrow and repeat over and over and over. The more 10 votes she gets the better her score will improve. I know you had this done before for blogger idol.

Who doesn’t like a little mood setting music for a night of love making? I love a good chill trance song to get me into the mood. I used to wow the ladies back in the day when I was 21 and a single man with some BT, candles & my gentle touch. I don’t know if those ladies ever recovered from the intensity of my shagging.

Fast forward 6 years and I don’t wow the ladies anymore, just one special lady. I also don’t light any candles unless it smells in the apartment. Last night was a kickback to my good ole days of love making. I turned on the internet radio to a chill channel. Everything was going well, the lights were off, the animals were playing and the chill music was in full effect. I get down on the bed and we are shagging like two homeless people that are hungry for food. Well as the ball starts to get going I notice the song playing is a song I’ve heard before, but it’s like a remix trance dance version. In my head I’m dying laughing and I’m trying to keep my soldier in attention, but before long Emily starts laughing out loud. We both start singing the song outloud and can’t control ourselves anymore. What’s the song that’s a remix dance version well just that super awesome 80’s hit “Physical” by Olivia Newton-John. It seemed like they must’ve said “Let’s get physical, physical, I wanna get physical” like 40 times! It was easily the cheesiest most appropriate cliche song that could’ve come on during shag time. We felt like two seals getting chased by a great white shark in the shallow ocean.

We had to stop at one point because we were both laughing so hard that the laughing was more enjoyable than the shag. This may be the last time I ever put an internet radio station on during shag time because sure it was funny, but it totally killed the mood. Everyone knows how much “greggers” likes the different moods that life feeds us.

Has a song ever interfered in a good way or bad way during shag time for you?

1. Sexually Transmitted Diseases ruin many parties especially sexual parties. Life is not a lot of fun when you go pee and it burns like fire is coming out of your penis. Imagine getting ready to pull down your pants and having massive amounts of warts all over your crotch. I bet you’re lover would be turned on by that for sure. He or She would be all about getting some of that contagious love! Fuck what if you get HIV?!?! Ahhh you’re basically dead or will be in 10-20 years!!!

2. Having sex too early in the relationship with someone usually rushes you into boyfriend/girlfriend hood. If you don’t really know if you even like the person yet and you’re pushing your love device against that other person it usually makes the other person think you really like them. I don’t know how many times I did that, sleep with a girl and kind of date her for two weeks then realize she bugged the fuck out of me so I needed to end it. I was a stupid 21 year old!!!

3. If I found out today that I had a secret love child aka baby with some girl from my past that I couldn’t stand I’d be so depressed. There’s a handful of girls I slept with that I wish I never had. So, imagine having a baby with a girl you don’t like and can’t stand. You’re basically stuck with her the rest of your life. Ahhh child support!!!! I used to hook up with this one girl would in the middle of love time would be smoking a cigarette and drinking a beer, ha ha she was a real winner!

4. You’ll go to hell if you have sex before you get married! Everyone knows that! God gets so pissed at people having sex before marriage and has no other choice but to send them to Satinville. The only way of redeeming yourself is by sleeping with your local priest!

5. You should wait to have sex until you get married so you can perfect masturbating because after one year of marriage or after having kids sex will be non-existent. If you become a pro at masturbating you’re set for a life of self happiness!

What did I forget?

gso

My voicemail was frequently being left messages last week from my psycho fan Mike. He left me terrificly splendid tale on my voicemail because “I’m a guy” and I might understand the magnitude of his story. His story is of how a guy fractured his penis during a romantic evening of bliss. I hope you all enjoy this tale and guys please be careful when having sex!!!

I’m a very messy person if you didn’t already know. My bedroom usually is a classic example of how messy I really am. It always has a mound of dirty laundry, random empty water bottles everywhere, Fiber One wrappers all over my desk & condoms filled with whip cream. My mom is a messy person too and she has definitely passed on that trait to me. I can live in the mess, but most people can’t, especially girls!

When I moved out on my own the only time I would clean my room was when I knew I had a girl coming over. I’d throw all my dirty laundry in my closet, lite scented candles, make my bed or at least try to make it. Little did the girls know before hand that only hours before they arrived my room was dirtier than a dead squirrel. I was really lazy doing the dishes too so my roommate when I would go out would put my dirty pots under my bed. I’d come home and be like “Damn, it fucking smells in here”. I’d scour my room for the smell until I’d find those trusty dirty pots under my bed. It’d smell like rotten spaghetti sauce.

This brings me to today, well yesterday anyway. Emily was watching Oprah (Goddamn you Oprah and your Ideas!!!) when Oprah was saying that in order for couples to have a good healthy relationship physically and mentally then their bedroom needs to be clean and in order aka a sanctuary. I took Emily’s advice and picked up all my dirty clothes. I called Em into the bedroom “Hey babe look the room is now a sanctuary!” ha ha…She’s like “NO..it isn’t” OK, so the room smells like a sweaty teenage boy, my shoes were all over the place, my desk was a mess & the bed wasn’t made. How am I supposed to know that just picking up my dirty laundry (No not you Sarah I’m talking actual dirty laundry) wouldn’t make the bedroom seem like a “Love Den”?

I continue my quest for bedroom love den status, although I know it’s a tough road ahead I race towards the challenge of making the bedroom a “Sanctuary”.

gso

OK kids this story definitely has some adult material that may be too graphic for your eyes to read! So please stop reading now or else your eyes will bleed!

My favorite time to shag is late afternoon for some reason, I dunno why maybe it’s the sexy afternoon sun or my lunch going through every single “vain” in my body! I seem to have a lot of pent up energy from work during this time of day and I need an outlet to “release” it.

The other day Em and I decided to shag. Well, I have these 2 door sized mirrors which are for my closet next to my bed that I can see myself in. Not to gross anyone out, but I like to look at myself while I’m “performing”. So like clockwork I look over to the mirror and admire my glistening Crest White Striped body in the mirror with the afternoon sun glimmering off my eyes. In order to get a better view of all the “action” I pull my shirt up a bit from off my ass. Yes, I was wearing a shirt. Sometimes the shagging gets so passionate I barely have time to undress..ha ha. I lift up my shirt and I notice in the mirror this white block on my ass. I’m like “What the fuck is on my ass?” I reach back to see what it is and I have absolutely no idea of how this got there but, I had a Domino’s Pizza magnet on my bare ass!

How does this happen to ones self? I’m dumbfounded by it. It’s not like I walk around my house naked pushing my ass against the fridge hoping a magnet will somehow stick to it!?!?! Em & I must’ve laughed for like 5 minutes straight. It actually killed the mood and expectations “shrank”. I’ve never laughed so hard during shagging time.

Do you have any funny sex stories?

gso